It’s your fault!
Has anyone ever said that to you?
Have you ever said that to yourself?
Some years ago my mom had cancer.
My oldest sister said to me, and my other two sisters concurred with her:
“Mom’s sick because she always worries about you”
“What???”
Never mind. No matter what I thought, there was no changing my sister's opinion.
All my life, I’ve heard some variations of “It’s your fault” directed at me.
“You’re so careless. You just broke my favorite glass”
“Why aren’t you successful like your friends?”
”Be good, we don’t want mom to be sick again because of you.”
When you are criticized and blamed on a regular basis, you would start to view it as normal. And if your family thinks you’re wrong, eventually you would too.
I did. It made me miserable, but I kept doing it.
That is until I started doing inner healing work more intensively and started to recognize the patterns and the effects of those frequent criticisms:
- I was easily triggered, was sensitive and defensive whenever I perceived someone implying that I was at fault in some way
- I was reluctant to initiate something where there’s a possibility that I might make some mistakes and would be blamed for it
- I had a belief, and I was convinced, that I was simply not good enough and could never be good enough.
- I feel guilty about so many things…
What to do if we had faults?
Will we have to live with our faults forever?
Do we have to keep finding ways to redeem ourselves to make up for our faults?
Luckily we don’t. We can make peace with our faults and move on with our lives.
We can’t change what already happened. It happened already.
But we can change how our relationship with our so-called faults so that we no longer need to carry our guilt like a guillotine on our neck everywhere we go.
And we do that by
- being curious
- Being compassionate towards the part that did the mistake
- Ask what it needs or wants at this time
1. Let’s start with being curious.
When someone, or you yourself, say to you: “It’s your fault!”
Be curious about your reaction:
What do you feel in and around your body?
What are their feelings?
Whatever you notice, stay with it for a while, be curious it, give it space to be seen, to be known.
The sensation and the feelings related to it, want to be acknowledged, want your attention.
In the past you’ve probably suppressed it, because we all know right, it doesn’t feel good when we’re blamed, maybe we’re ashamed of it.
So give it attention, and just be with it.
2. Now, let’s give this part some compassion.
Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family System therapy discovered that everything we do, say or think, no matter how irrational, how heinous it is, it all has a positive intent.
And invariably the intent is to protect another part from suffering.
Then you can ask it, why it did what it did and how it did it,
you’ll find that it has a positive intent, it wanted to help.
And this part usually is a very young part, with the logic of a very young child.
Remember when I said earlier, that it’s always hard to accept the blame, because a part of me, believed I meant well.
When you truly hear what it says, the logic, however faulty it is, would make sense to you, and you would start to have compassion for that part.
3. Ask the part what it needs and wants from you.
And if you ask this part what it needs or wants at this time, it wants its side of the story to be heard. Don’t we all. When we’re blamed, don’t we want the other party to try to understand why you did what you did?
So you can say to this part:
“I get it. I understand now why you did what you did. It’s not really your fault”.
Phew… isn’t that what we wish to hear too?
Once you have compassion for the part, now the healing can and will happen.
You will notice there’s more space in your heart for self-forgiveness, for new and positive ideas and creativity, and you’re no longer weighed down by the past, by your mistake, by your guilt.
I would like now to invite those of you who’d been carrying guilt or felt that you’re just not good enough for a long time because of your alleged mistakes,
to imagine hearing someone saying to you:
“I totally get now why you did what you did. It’s not your fault.”
How do you feel now?
So next time someone, or you yourself, say to you:
“It’s your fault!”
Be curious about your reaction, have compassion for them, and tell it:
”I understand now why you did what you did, and it’s not your fault.”
