Emotional healing process for stopping wanting for fear of disappointment.
Do you remember the last time you wanted something?
Did you feel a bit worried, scared, that you may not get it - did you feel fear, tension, or even turmoil in your brain and body?
Or did you give up wanting because you don’t want to be disappointed - again, because the pain of it felt like an open wound?
When wanting feels unsafe, it’s often because your nervous system learned that desire leads to shame, denial, or disappointment. That’s protection, not a personality flaw. In this article, you’ll learn a gentle, trauma-informed practice to notice the wound, soothe it with compassion, start with small wants, and receive without guilt—so hope can feel safe again.
The Day We Stopped Wanting
Imagine you were four years old, eyes wide with delight at a toy in a shop window. “I want that!” you exclaimed, pure joy bubbling up.
And someone: a parent, a grandparent, someone who loved you, said:
“You don’t need that. You already something like that at home”
”That looks expensive. We can’t afford it. Besides, you’re just going lose it again like you did before”
”You can’t have everything you want. Stop asking.”
Or maybe: “If you be a good boy for a week, maybe you can have it.”
Or the worst: “What’s wrong with you? Why do you always want so much?”
That’s the moment wanting became wounding.
And for many of us, it wasn’t just “a lesson.” It became the start of painful patterns—where desire triggers painful emotions, and our system learns to protect us by burying emotions instead of feeling them.
The Death of Desire
As children we all want things, freely and often.
We want this, we want that; anything that catches our fancy.
Naturally. Joyfully.
We want the cookie.
We want play.
We want Mama.
We just want, want, want - with no filter, no shame, no hesitation.
Wanting is our birthright.
But somewhere along the way, we learn that wanting is:
- Selfish
- Greedy
- Too much
- Unrealistic
- Inappropriate
- Disappointing (because we won’t get it anyway)
So we stop.
We stop wanting openly. We stop asking. We stop even knowing what we want.
And with that, we often lose touch with our current experience - what we’re actually feeling, right now.
The Question Most Find Hard To Answer
I ask my coaching clients and students all the time: “What do you want?”
The most common response? Silence. Confusion.
Finally, “I don’t know what I want.”
They literally don’t know what they want anymore.
Not because they’re indecisive. Not because they lack imagination.
Because their wanting was wounded so early and so often that they shut it down completely.
It became safer to not want than to want and be disappointed, shamed, or denied; safer to avoid the potential hurt than to risk hope.
And for some, that shutdown doesn’t only create numbness - it can create loneliness, because when you don’t let yourself want, it can feel like you don’t fully let yourself live in relationship (with yourself, with others, with allies who want to support you).
The Price We Pay
When we stop wanting, we stop living.
Because wanting being alive, is how we truly live.
Wanting is how we evolve, expand and grow.
Wanting is how the Universe knows what to deliver to us.
Abraham-Hicks in “Ask And It Is Given” teaches:
“The basis of your life is freedom. The purpose of your life is joy. The result of your life is expansion.”
But how can we expand if we don’t know what we want?
How can we experience joy if wanting itself feels painful?
How can we be free if we’re afraid to desire?
We can’t.
We stay small. Safe. Quiet. Not asking for too much. Not hoping for too much. Not being too much.
All because we learned that wanting is dangerous, not safe, has negative consequences.
This is why this work isn’t just “mindset.” It’s emotional health. It’s emotional well-being. It’s emotional intelligence - the capacity to notice, name, and make room for what’s true without abandoning ourselves (especially under stress, and especially when old disappointments make the nervous system brace).
What We Tell Ourselves
The wounded wanting shows up in so many ways:
“I shouldn’t want that.”
(Who says? Who made that rule?)
“It’s selfish to want more.”
(Is it selfish for a flower to want sunlight?)
“I have to earn it first.”
(What if you’re already worthy, just by existing?)
“What I want doesn’t matter.”
(It matters. It always mattered.)
“I’ll just be disappointed anyway.”
(So you pre-reject your own desires to avoid pain?)
“Other people need it more than I do.”
(The Universe is infinite. There’s enough for everyone.)
“I should be grateful for what I have.”
(Gratitude and desire aren’t opposites - they’re partners.)
Believe me, I have told myself and others all of the above.
They made wanting painful.
And sometimes those beliefs aren’t “random.” They’re a helpful warning your system learned after traumatic events, repeated no’s, ruptures, or shaming - your mind trying to prevent more hurt, based on painful memories - and often carrying hidden messages like: “Don’t hope,” “Don’t need,” “Don’t ask.”
The Truth About Wanting
Here’s what I’ve learned, often painfully, sometimes joyfully:
Wanting is not the problem.
Believing we can’t have what we want is the problem.
The WANTING itself? Pure. Clean. Joyful.
It’s only when we add the thoughts: “but I can’t,” “but I shouldn’t,” “but it won’t happen” – that wanting becomes suffering.
Abraham teaches this beautifully:
“Ask and it is given.”
Not:
“Ask and feel guilty.”
“Ask but justify why you deserve it.”
“Ask and then brace for disappointment.”
Just: Ask. And it is given.
The Universe doesn’t judge your wanting.
It doesn’t measure whether you’ve earned it.
It doesn’t keep score.
It just GIVES.
Our job is to:
- Want clearly (know what we desire)
- Allow it (don’t block it with unworthiness)
- Receive it (let it in without guilt)
And yes—this includes healthy boundaries: allowing doesn’t mean letting people mistreat you. Receiving doesn’t mean overgiving. Wanting doesn’t mean abandoning your wisdom.
Reclaiming Our Right to Want
The emotional healing process to want freely, naturally and joyfully - an inner return to self-acceptance and wholeness - and a grounded path to heal emotional pain at the root (not just “think positive” over it).
First: NOTICE THE WOUND.
When you think “I want ,” what happens next?
Do you immediately shut it down?
Do you feel guilt, shame, fear?
Do you tell yourself you shouldn’t want it?
That’s the wound talking, from memory.
(And sometimes that wound has layers or stages of healing you move through, not a one-and-done moment—more like real recovery.)
Second: CLEAN THE WOUND.
This is where Ho’oponopono, the ancient Hawaiian healing prayer becomes powerful, and from my own experience, quite effective and impactful:
“I’m sorry.
Please forgive me for anything in me that makes wanting feel dangerous, shameful, or wrong.
Thank you for showing me this wound so I can heal it.
I love you.”
You may also notice here that you’re not only tending emotional pain, but sometimes spiritual wounds too—places where you stopped trusting life, love, or yourself as a spiritual being having a human experience.
Third: PRACTICE WANTING FREELY .
Start small. Want something simple, joyful, easy:
“I want a really good cup of coffee.”
“I want to feel sunlight on my face.”
“I want to laugh today.”
Feel the WANTING without immediately thinking about how you’ll get it or whether you deserve it.
Just feel the joy of the desire itself.
And if sorrow arises, if grief shows up for all the years you didn’t let yourself want, let that be part of the healing too. That’s not failure. That’s truth moving.
Fourth: RECEIVE WITHOUT GUILT
When something good comes: a compliment, money, help, love, opportunity, practice saying:
“Thank you. I receive this.”
Not: “Oh, you shouldn’t have.”
Not: “What can I give you in return?”
Not: “I don’t deserve this.”
Just: “Thank you. I receive this.”
Over time, this builds calm and clarity in your nervous system, and supports real emotional health -because receiving becomes safe.
(And sometimes your body wants support too: a gentle walk, breathwork, or even touch like placing a hand on your heart can be a surprisingly good way to help your system register safety.)
The Five Steps (Abraham’s Wisdom)
Abraham teaches that manifestation happens in steps:
Step 1: Ask
(You want something – that’s the asking)
Step 2: It is Given
(The Universe immediately says YES and begins orchestrating)
Step 3: Allow/Receive
(This is the hard part – letting it in without resistance)
Step 4: Adjust
(As you receive, your desires clarify and expand)
Step 5: Ask Again
(New desires emerge, and the cycle continues)
Most of us get stuck at Step 3.
We ask (sometimes). The Universe gives (always). But we don’t ALLOW it in.
Why? Because:
- We don’t believe we deserve it
- We’re afraid it will be taken away
- We feel guilty receiving
- We think we have to suffer/work hard first
- We’re still operating from wounded wanting
And sometimes, underneath, there’s anger—valid anger.
The goal isn’t “no anger.”
Rather it’s healed anger: the kind that empowers you, tells the truth, and keeps your heart open.
And sometimes, underneath, there’s heaviness that looks like depression—not as a personal flaw, but as a protective shutdown when hope felt too risky.
An Invitation
What if you gave yourself permission to want freely again?
What if wanting became joyful instead of painful?
What if you trusted that the Universe, God, Your Inner Being, WANTS to give you what you desire; not because you’ve earned it, but because that’s how love works, with compassion?
What if receiving became easy, natural, guilt-free?
The first time this concept really landed for me, and I started practicing asking, I often felt surprised catching myself realizing that I can want. “I can want that?” “And that?”
Whereas before, I limit my wanting to things that I was sure I could afford or buy.
In other words, only to things that I know I can have. Beyond that, I didn’t bother to wish or want it.
See how limiting that is?
And absolutely in contrary with how the Universe works: Ask And It Is Given.
Wanting is indiscriminate, you can want anything.
It doesn’t say you can want this, but you can’t want that.
That’s parent speak.
When I started allowing myself to want freely and naturally without fear, without memory of unpleasant experience (denied, refused, rejected, shamed, blamed), I began to experience the freedom, joy, and excitement about the very thing I’m wanting.
We don’t just focus on healing our relationship with money, our body, or others.
We also must heal our relationship with DESIRE itself.
Because when you reclaim your right to want, you reclaim your power to create and your capacity for life. God wants you to have what you want.
(And if you ever want extra support: many psychologists and therapy approaches work with these exact dynamics of desire, shame, and disappointment—especially a skilled therapist trained in trauma work, or approaches like somatic psychology that help you track desire in the body. I’ve also appreciated the way Dr. Alison Cook talks about integrating faith and emotions in a grounded way.)
The Healing
Sometimes healing looks like stillness. Sometimes it looks like movement: gentle shaking, authentic movement, or even ecstatic dance—letting the body metabolize what words can’t.
Sometimes healing looks like art: journaling, a messy sketch, or making simple artwork that helps you see your desire outside your mind.
A PRACTICE: TALK TO YOUR DESIRE
Try this:
Close your eyes. Take a breath.
1. Ask yourself: “What do I really want?”
2. Let whatever comes up just be there. Don’t judge it. Don’t edit it. Don’t explain why you can or can’t have it.
Just feel the wanting.
Just notice the feelings that come up.
3. Then say:
“Dear Wanting,
I’m sorry I shut you down for so long.
I’m sorry I made you feel wrong, selfish, too much.
Thank you for never giving up on me.
Thank you for still whispering in my heart.
I love you.
I’m ready to listen now.”
If it helps, you can simplify this into three steps you repeat daily:
Notice. Soothe. Choose (a small, brave want).
Those are healthy ways to re-train your relationship with desire.
Or, if you prefer a six-step guide, you can add:
4. Name the fear.
5. Take one tiny action.
6. Receive and celebrate.
Then next time you want something, your system remembers: “This is safe.”
The Promise
When wanting becomes safe again, a lot can change.
You start asking for what you need.
You start saying yes to what lights you up.
You start receiving without guilt.
You start living instead of just surviving.
And life, which has been waiting patiently for you to open, can finally meet you—often faster than you expect.
Not because you finally earned it.
Because the part of you that learned to brace is finally being met.
With truth. With compassion. With safety.
What do I want?
It’s safe to want it.
It’s safe to ask for it.
It’s safe to receive it—one small, steady yes at a time.
Your wanting is not wounding anymore.
It’s your aliveness coming back.
It’s FREEDOM.
________
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Why does wanting feel unsafe?
Wanting can feel unsafe when your past experiences taught you there were negative consequences to desire—like being shamed, dismissed, punished, or deeply disappointed. Your system learns: “Wanting leads to pain,” so it braces to protect you.
Is it normal to shut down desires after disappointment?
Yes. If disappointment happened repeatedly (or felt intense), shutting down can feel safer than hoping again. It’s a protective strategy—especially if your body associates desire with hurt.
How do I know what I want again?
Often, desire returns in small, spontaneous ways once the wound softens. Wanting starts to feel lighter—more playful, more alive—because you’re not immediately jumping to “Will I get it?” You’re letting yourself feel the life in the desire first.
How do I receive without guilt?
Receiving without guilt takes practice. Start by noticing what guilt says (the “old message” attached to receiving), and gently cleaning the memory it’s connected to. Then practice receiving small things—kind words, help, support—and letting “thank you” be complete.
What if wanting triggers anxiety in my body?
Go slowly. Use the steps in this article to work with the wound underneath the anxiety—so your system can learn that wanting doesn’t automatically mean danger. For many people, as safety increases, the anxiety decreases.
________
© Miranda Rumi
Life Coach | Therapeutic Facilitator | Teacher of Conscious Communication | Educator
If this resonates, I invite you to explore coaching with me. Let’s heal your wounded wanting together.
