I can’t say no…
I want to say no, but okay…
Saying No is hard.
It’s hard to say No when someone says, please please, pretty please…
It’s hard to say No to someone you owe a favor to
It’s hard to say No when you can’t find a valid reason to justify your no.
In 2008 after my son graduated from high school, moving away to go to university, I was free again for the first time in 18 years, from my responsibility of being a mother.
I wanted change. I wanted to go to Australia and just hang out there for a while until I know what I wanted to do next.
I got my tickets, all ready to go, then called my sister to say goodbye.
Her response took me by surprise.
She said: “What??? You can’t do that. Mom and Dad are getting old, and they’re not well. Could you please stay and look after them? We’re in Jakarta so we can’t be in Bali to be with them all the time”.
I really wanted to say No, but I couldn’t come up with a good enough reason for saying no.
After all, they’re my parents, right? If I said no, people will think:
Pu xiau nieuw (English translation: an ungrateful daughter)
So I said: “Okay.”
Got my tickets refunded, moved back home, and stayed with my parents for the next 4 years.
So saying No is not easy.
The question is: “Why is it so hard to say No?”
Because saying no has got nothing to do with:
1. Saying it
2. The word No itself.
But it has everything to do with the consequences of saying No to someone that matters to us, and what will happen after we say No.
Was there a time when you wanted to say No, but ended up saying yes instead?
Can you remember what made you say Yes instead of No?
What happened?
Usually, there was a lot of thinking, right?
A pros and cons analysis.
“What will happen if I say no…”
“What will happen if I say yes…”
My saying yes above didn’t seem like it would be a great deal; after all, it’s for my parents.
Even though, we did have a fall out 4 years later, where I divorced my parents.
But that’s a story for another time.
So what about not being able to say no to your wife/husband, to your partner, to your boss, to sex, to bullies, to peer pressure?
Why is it hard to say no?
Because….
Deep inside, we all want to be connected with the people or group that matter to us, to be accepted by them, to get their approval, to belong.
That’s called the attachment need.
And if we say No to any of those people, we’re afraid we might lose our connection with them, their attachment to us, their acceptance of us, or that they might be angry with us, so we might lose them.
As children, we need an attachment to another human being to survive.
Not having a safe, secure attachment or connection as children is what’s causing us to try to meet that need as an adult, even when that attachment is not safe or good for us. or makes us give up who we are.
And that’s what makes it hard to say No and say Yes instead, even if deep down we really want to say No.
Sometimes, we’re even angry at ourselves for not being able to say no.
Has that ever happened to you?
My friends, there’s so much more to not being able to say no than not having the ability or the courage to say it.
And often we think we’re being kind to the other person by NOT saying no, because we don’t want to hurt them or make them angry.
But there’s another person who also needs and deserves your kindness.
Do you know who that person is?
Yup… it’s you!
Saying No is not easy. And it’s okay to admit it.
Next time you feel uncomfortable saying No, this is my suggestion for you:
But very importantly:
Do this before you say yes or no, and it’s okay to ask for time to give your answer.
1. Be curious about your No.
Ask yourself: What will happen if I say no?
How would my relationship with that person change if I say No?
2. Realize that you have trouble saying No, because there’s a part of you really wanting connection with, or acceptance from that person, and not wanting to lose him/her physically or emotionally. Acknowledge that.
3. No matter whether you decide to say yes or No in the end, some emotions will bound to come up.
And it’s okay, don’t be scared.
Just feel those emotions, and stay with them until they pass without trying to change them or make them go away.
And I guarantee you:
You’ll feel more peaceful afterward, whatever your answer will be.
And if you want to be kind, also be kind to yourself.
Give yourself permission to say No.